Mr Fall

Intestinal Fauna
 
Dimrill
Frank Black
Frank Black
Dimrill
 
"ok YOU try having a fictional relationship with someone after they'd fictionally used you for marzipanning trepanning while they wore fictional upset toddlers as legs, and not be bitter"
  Mr Beatings
  South Park The Game PC Review

Little Jimmy can hardly contain his excitement. Within his pudgy twelve year old hands, he holds his holy grail. The new South Park game shines and tingles in his palms as he hurries home to play it. Several worn out catchphrases run around in his brain "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!", "I'm not fat I'm big boned!" and various others. How much fun he had in the playground at school bandying these around with his chums. He reveled in the fact that they only saw South Park when it was on Channel 4, whereas his family had Satellite and he had secretly recorded every episode while his parents were in bed. He'd saw it before them dammit! He saw it before it was popular! He DESERVED to pick fun on the other kids while series 2 was now showing. Now he had another victory over them. He was the first to buy the game.

He reached home and ran upstairs to his bedroom where the PC was. Dad was doing some accounts in Excel, but some swift whining got him out the door within minutes, grumbling as he went. Jimmy fumbled with the box, extracted the CD and hurriedly jammed it into the CD-ROM drive. After a few minutes of installation the game starts to load. Minutes later the Comedy Central logo pops up and the intro starts. Jimmy is confused and puzzled how the Iguana logo bites Kenny's head off but Kenny is still able to talk. Hmm. Never mind the very rushed sound sample of "Oh my God they killed Kenny" once brought a smile to Jimmy's round face, but no more. A badly animated version of the South Park intro is blessedly brief, while a very boring story setting animation is callously long. Two setbacks so far, but hey! It's South Park isn't it? Everything will be fine.

Jimmy starts the new game and selects Cartman for his character, just like everyone else does. Hmm it seems the game is YET ANOTHER first person perspective shoot em up. Well, okay. Maybe not the best application for South Park, but it will pass. The graphics look great with his 3D card, all primary coloured and cartoonish, and the sound samples unleashed when he throws a snowball are genuinely funny.

After being told "I've got to find my friends" he sets off down the street. Ah, there's Kenny just in front. Jimmy can see him as a blue dot on the radar down the bottom left of the screen, what a nice little touch that is. Two turkeys appear from nowhere and start attacking. About three well aimed snowballs to each sort them out in no time, allowing Jimmy to collect Kenny who seems bent on avoiding him. While the little dance to collect Kenny ensues, three more turkeys appear from nearby houses. A few more shots sends them to meet their feathered God. Walking further up the street he sees Kyle in the distance as another four turkeys errupt around him, Jimmy notices the great way the turkey's head snaps back as the snowballs hit. He collects Kyle. More walking down the street. More turkeys. Collects Stan. More turkeys.

A pattern is developing. As Jimmy walks down the street and into a fair area, hundreds of turkeys rush at him. It is now he discovers the secondary fire, or yellow snowball. It flattens the entire turkey horde with five shots. Splendid, Jimmy sees no point in using the ordinary, boring snowball. Out into the open canyons and out of South Park go our intrepid heroes, as more turkeys approach. Jimmy gets the feeling he's being led somewhere. The entire play area consists of a long narrow stretch of map, where turkeys approach from both sides in a pincer type ambush AGAIN AND AGAIN, followed by a corner with about ten turkeys waiting around it, then comes an open area that is quite large, full of turkeys. This is getting tedious.

Jimmy picks up a dodgeball. At last! A different weapon! Eager to see this beast in action he walks forward confidently. A corner reveals three cows that rush towards him in a comical fashion. A different enemy. Interesting. He throws the dodgeball and misses. Okay. He tries again this time it hits but does very little damage. The rest of his shots miss too. Arse. Blasted pin point accuracy needed. Back to trusty old snowball that dispatches the cows in seconds. So much for other weapons.

He battles his way through the level to be confronted by Chef's house on top of a hill. A short cut-scene later he's back on the snow trail. More narrow passages, more turkey ambushes. Panic wells up in Jimmy's stomach as he realises what little freedom this game allows. No individuality. No deviation from the chosen path. Nowhere different to go. The game will be the same every time you play it. You will play the game and be happy. This is South Park, scum! You will play and enjoy the Repetition! You will play and enjoy the Repetition! You will play and enjoy the Repetition! You will play and enjoy the Repetition!

Three repetitive levels later, the game hasn't thrown up any major barriers. Sure there's the countless hordes of ambushing turkeys, but they're easily dispatched. There's the so called 'Tanks' that spawn the turkeys, but good old yellow snowball prevails. There's the occasional jumping puzzle, well, not even puzzle just annoying. It's been a surprisingly easy ride. The only barrier has been trying to stay interested in the blandness. He rounds a corner in some caverns and an extremely large turkey appears. Well, this shouldn't be hard, He's stocked up on dodgeballs, sponge darts and toilet plungers. How wrong could he be. The turkey proves exceedingly hard to kill, only head shots and arse shots make damage. It keeps spawning 'Tanks' too. Jimmy dies several times, as he exhausts all his ammo on the turkey only to see it's health drop by about a quarter.

Two days later Jimmy is still battling with the monster. He gets so upset and annoyed he gets the cheat for infinite health from the internet. Right. One monster turkey down and the next chapter. Hopefully it was just the last level that proved wanky. Okay, clones, mad, Big Gay Al, etc. Walks down the street, several clones approach from either side. Bile rises in Jimmy's stomach. NO!!!

Disillusioned with the way Comedy Central have repaid their fans with such a god-awful game, Jimmy sinks into depression. They game was wrong. It felt wrong. Hang on. Iguana Software? Weren't they the people who made Turok? Shit! You don't think they just bolted on some new graphics on the existing Turok engine? The dirty scoundrels. That's why it felt wrong! That's why it was so ridiculously hard to jump! That's why it was so crap! Jimmy picks himself up and flogs South Park the game to his friends, boasting how good it is, you've got to believe him because it's South Park. And he was the first to play it! He played it before it was popular!
 
    
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